Let Me Kiss You Now and I’ll Fade Away
Reuben can be the best pal at times. He grew up the youngest in a family of 11 kids. When we became roommates, he told me his biggest gift to me would be to show me what it’s like to have siblings. Let me tell you this: having siblings is not all it’s cracked up to be. Reuben barges in when I’m trying to write. He bangs on my doors when Cassandra is having a private moment with herself. He has no respect for privacy. Some nights he staggers into my room, drunk off his ass, and slurs why do you ignore me.
When Reuben’s last boyfriend was getting ready to move to New York, and they were about to break up (on issues still unresolved to this day: some guys will never forgive you if you don’t pick them up at the airport – or did Reuben not pick him up at the airport because he really didn’t love him that much – Who knows.) Well, when they were on the verge of breaking up Reuben insisted on taking me out for a day to Harbin Hot Springs.
It was his treat. He talked me into it – he even drove up there. Reuben, as the youngest child in a family of 11 kids, has a hard time being alone. He dreaded his boyfriend moving to New York. All that time he will have to fill up. I played for him New York to California by Matt Kearny. He asked me to repeat the song the entire drive up. I love that song by Matt and I love how Reuben appreciates it too.
When we got there we smoked weed before getting out of the car. Harbin is a very hippy pad but I’m not used to being around naked people. Especially naked girls. I’ve seen plenty of naked guys but naked girls are different. It really is like how it appears in movies and magazines. Just a puff of hair between the legs.
Shocking.
When we slipped into the quiet pool there was this old hippie guy with long hair in a ponytail twirling this young serene lady. There were so many people there I couldn’t back up to the edge of the pool and just sit. It was intense. Especially when you’re stoned.
So much bush!
I started giggling. Reuben didn’t look horrified. He just looked away like he didn’t know me.
I decided the best way to sober me up and relax in this serene utterly naked moment would be to get a massage.
When I was done with the massage, an hour and a half later, I ran into Reuben as I was walking up the hill. He looked bored and ready to leave. He asked me where I went. I told him. He said,
I took you up here to spend time with you.
But we just kept missing each other.
Lately, that sentiment seems to steep in my mind.
We keep missing each other.
Remember Davey, the guy from my chat conversations? He came over a while back. I always knew he would. Just like I knew we would have a great time. After I fucked him, he asked to be my boyfriend. I guess I really am that good in bed.
He was quite sweet.
When he was leaving, right as I was opening my bedroom door to escort him out, he got on his knees and took my cock into his mouth. The same cock that had already came from fucking him. He pushed me back onto the bed and he milked a load from me.
The next day he texted, I swallowed every drop like a good little girl, didn’t I?
And then he asked me, do you like me or just think of me as a sex toy?
We keep missing each other, don’t we? Not just me and Reuben at Harbin Hot Springs but all of us.
Do any of us really get what we want, when we really want it?
What is this thing between cd’s/tv/ts/tg and the guys who chase us?
Davey accuses me of being addicted to sex with straight boys because it’s so easy.
It’s true. Sometimes when one of Cassandra’s regulars schedules a date with me and then cancels (after I get all dolled up) I go on Craigs List right away. I need to cum. And it can’t wait.
Truthfully, the right thing to do at that moment would be to text Silver Fox. Considering how much money he’s given me, consistently, week after week – months, years now – if I’m giving out a freebie it should go to him.
But I don’t.
Instead I just invite over the hot 20 somethings. It’s the best part of being a pretty sexy CD. If you only knew how many hot straight guys secretly love pleasing a Tgirl. It’s almost unfair.
Did I tell you Silver Fox has a Girlfriend? But they seem to miss each other too. She’s 20 years too young for him. She likes him for the security. He likes her for the companionship. She wants sex from him. He says he’s fine if he never has sex with a biological woman again.
I asked Davey didn’t you say you’re really attracted to women? Come on, let’s both go for what we really want.
I’ll try dating a gay man. You marry a nice girl and start a family.
Davey said, no girls will want me now.
I’m damaged goods.
Why, I ask?
He says, I let whores fuck me up the ass.
It’s true. We keep missing each other. Between what we want and what we need. Between what we need and what’s societally acceptable. Does anyone ever find what they’re looking for?
The tranny chasers – the ones, like me – the ones (unlike Davey), who keep the sex separate from the emotions – I don’t think they’ll be able to stop. Not even after they get married and have kids. They like it too much. The capable ones will do a good job. The ones who know how to navigate the system – like Sandwich guy. Their wives will never know.
The rest… I don’t know.
I know now why Matt Kearny writes love songs. Why I was suspicious when I was at his concert. Because it’s all very manipulative. I get it now.
We compose, we write – we create – because it’s our way of getting the girl. It gives us a sense of control, that perhaps we can write our own destinies. To stop missing each other. To not miss the moment. To not let life pass us by.
If I’m really honest with myself, I wrote about Gym Boy because, somewhere, lying deep beneath the veneer of pretense, I secretly always imagined him reading my entries one day.
I asked Davey how he started with the trannies and he said, because it was so easy.
But it’s not easy with Gym Boy. I’m left grasping at straws. To the point where I have to ask myself, was there anything there or did I just imagine it all?
I don’t think I did. There was one time at the gym when he caught me looking at him while he was doing the arm and chest dip. I was pedaling away furiously on the lifecycle.
He took his left hand in front of his heart and he did a little flutter with his fingers. The gesture was so small only I could see it. Like a small dove flew free from the coop. And then he smiled.
I found out last week he’s moving to New York. Now I will play an endless loop of New York to California for myself.
He will never read my entries.
We will never reach that point.
If you write, if you keep a journal or a diary, you know what i’m talking about. Writing gives you a sense of control. There’s a beginning, a middle, and an end. You keep banging your head against the walls and you will see the patterns and make the connections.
I can always write a story.
Unlike Life.
Where we keep missing each other.
Tags: culture
Great writing Cassandra…. though I do miss the picture of your lovely self….
C
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Hey guess what, buzzy worm? Reuben and I just bought one of those gigantic sheepskin rugs from Costco. The ones with the plushy white fur? I think Cassandra is going to schedule another photoshoot so she can spread herself all over this rug and make love to it
hey Cass,
We are all walking contradictions (mismatches). In fact, it’s the contradictions of our lives that compel us to walk in the moment.
Like the proverbial horse, stick and carrot. The goal or person we seek is the carrot and the contradictions which we embody are like the stick which extends from the horses head to compel it forward.
The paradox is that by missing each other we can find ourselves and that finding ourselves is the only way to stop missing each other. Grasp something by not reaching for it.
I think that people aren’t the object of our affection, they are the stuff of our affection. We clothe them in our desires. As they tatter our desire around them we come to see them for their naked selves.
However, the ones that get away; the goals which we never reach are never naked and they are the untattered bitter sweetness of our lives.
You ask:
“Does anyone ever find what they’re looking for?”
I think the answer is; sometimes and for a little while. Maybe when we embrace the contradictions in our nature we can be get what we really want.
If a man is straight but loves to get fucked by transvestites, that’s a contradiction. Social unacceptability is probably a large part of what’s making the sex so hot. Embrace it as much as you can. Be seen together in public or in photos with each other or at least fantasize about it. Just be responsible!
This might work for a some of us but as for the rest, keep chasing your carrots.
Brian
Cassandra
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Brian. Someone once read my fortune and said that the second half of my life will be much happier than the first half. IF that’s the case, I don’t know if I can’t wait for the second half to begin, or if I’m not willing to let the first half (my youth) pass. Contradictions, indeed. At times I just want it to stop — all these miscommunications and missed opportunities and the mistakes i keep repeating. But it’s too early to write my eulogy just yet. This crossdresser will get all the fame, money, and love that she’s been seeking. I <3 u.
We never get what we are looking for. When we do get it, it ends up not being as great as what we anticipated it disappoints us, bores us, or disgusts us.
Ultimately I believe we have to accept and recognize that the grass is always greener on the other side. We have to learn to enjoy brief moments of happiness (like looking at a hot tgirl as she cums in our ass–covered of course) and accept simply being satisfied with the little things that we get from life.
The more we chase the holy grail of “happiness” the more elusive it becomes and the less satisfied we are. Contentment is achievable and longer lasting. Contentment can be as simple as having hot passionate sex with a tgirl who loves to top and then going home to your wife and having a pleasant evening.
Would I like to have sex more often with my wife? Hell yeah! More importantly, would I love to have the desire to fuck my wife more often? Fuckin’ a right!!!!
But you can’t have everything so you take what can get, accept it and move on.
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WILY!!! Right on, Mister. I love that attitude. I think it must come from the wisdom of age, though. Yes/no? I hear what you’re saying. Your advice is practical. Life is about compromises. You, and the many married men I see who date t-girls on the side — you’ve worked something out. I hope to get there someday. As you say, find contentment. But haven’t you ever been so blindly optimistic (ahhh the follies of youth) when you declared to a girl, with all your heart (did it happen for you on your wedding day) — when you said, it’s just me and you baby. I don’t want anyone else. It’s just me and you to the end. Who cares if you had to amend that vow later on, the compromises we all make in life — but haven’t you ever had that moment where you asked for everything you ever hoped for and believed you had it at that moment. In retrospect, wasn’t there that one moment? Happiness happens in retrospect, doesn’t it? — Cass
Cass,
I think you’re right that we find happiness in retrospect. Unlike our lost car keys, we find happiness in the next-to-the-last place we look for it. At some point we have it in hand but don’t recognize it. We need to first overlook it to finally appreciate it in retrospect.
i wish you all that you seek and more than you’ve dreamed.
143,
Brian
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Brian… what about YOU? Enuff about me — i’m egocentric and narcississtic as it is (no further encouragement needed.) Did you ever make that date with Yasmine Lee? You know, if there’s one tranny who is one degree of separation from me (Mr. Park Ranger, Davey — they’ve both been fucked by her) — it’s Yasmine Lee. Tell me how it went. C
Hi Cass,
You are right, that attitude does come with age, but I think it also is a result of not expecting much. When you don’t expect too much, it is easier to accept what you get. Bono’s lyric
“coffee is cold, but it will get you through
compromise, there’s nothing new to you”
rings true to me.
Yet having said that, I have had those moments you speak of and they were absolutely wonderful. Before I met my wife, I met a gorgeous, intelligent, vivacious woman and we fell in love with each other on our first date.
Her name was Ruby and before I met her I was always skeptical about finding true love. When I met Ruby, it was a dream come true. The first months of our relationship were bliss, yet in hindsight it is clear that it was doomed to failure. She was volatile and unforgiving and I was a flirt who was too stupid to recognize how fragile relationships can be.
After several years, our relationship died in a manner that did no dignity to its wondrous birth. While I still love Ruby and even occasionally speak with her I do know there is no going back.
But to answer your question, yes, me and Ruby both had the feeling that it was just the two of us and that we were soul mates. And truth be told, she was my soul mate. I would have sacrificed my life for her and she for me. Those intense feelings of love were exquisite. And even now, as I write this and reflect, I get chills and feel terribly vulnerable.
And yet, those moments of pure, accepting, unconditional feelings of love where just that–moments. They did not last and they did not last because of our flaws and weaknesses.
To answer another question, I believe that happiness, pure bliss, happens in moments but doesn’t last. Perhaps if we can recognize happiness at the time, and more importantly, recognize how delicate and fleeting it really is, we can take steps to preserve it.
That is, if we recognize those moments, we may be able to modify our behavior and tamp down those aspects of our character that, if unchecked, can and will crush feelings of happiness. And maybe, just maybe we can then work to create and foster an environment where those moments of happiness can happen more frequently in the future.
I can’t speak for any one but me and I recognize that I have a restlessness and critical manner that surfaces over time and causes disruptions. Ultimately, it is my own personality that prevents me from finding “happiness”. I recognize that and I am not looking to fight myself any more.
As I read the previous paragraph, I realize that it sounds defeatist and depressing. But it really isn’t. I find those feelings of acceptance exhilarating and liberating and I have learned, in the words of Mick Jaggar, “if you try sometimes, you get what you need”.
But for you Cass, I totally encourage you to seek out those moments and when they occur, revel in them. But also, know that if those moments don’t occur as frequently as you would like, it is also possible to find joy in the small, seemingly inconsequential moments that we experience everyday.
As far as you and the Gym Boy(s) of past, present and future are concerned, don’t be discouraged because you missed each other. Remember, the grass is always greener. Besides that, he was probably a lousy lay anyways. But most important, there is no question that with your mind, your personality and your beauty, you will connect with someone else.
Cassandra Gorgeous
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Mr. Wily… I am glad for you that you got to experience love, however brief and fleeting it was. Thank you for sharing the experience. I was quite touched to read it. I find it very interesting, too, how we all draw from song lyrics to explain and find solace in our condition. You quote Bono and Mick Jagger… to compromise and to keep trying. I shall remember these words. I will take a lot from what you said — we ourselves seem to b the biggest obstacle to getting and maintaining what we want. Let me end with a quote from The Boss: “I gotta find out how it feels — I want to know if love is wild — I want to know if love is real.” — Born to Run.
My dear, this is my favorite entry of yours by far. Funny, sad, and true. I love you, gurl!
-Ruby
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Love right back at ya, Ruby. Yeah, You know I’m a cheesy, sentimental, corny and melodramatic writer. Good to know I have an audience. cheers, c
Yessss I sure did make that date with Yasmin and I’ll definitely make another. I’ll tell you how it went…
B
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Brian — you are a little whore! Yasmin is by far the T Pornstar who all my dates mention. She is a true superstar. I’m glad you joined her club! xoxoxo C