When I am not working (either as Cassandra or at my “real” job), my favorite thing to do is to spend an afternoon at Border’s bookstore.  It’s not very sexy hobby for a prostitute, I know, to prefer the company of books and magazines over people.  But at Border’s Union Square, I get the best of both worlds:  I’m surrounded by people, yet doing something completely solitary.  It’s one of the rare places where I’m very at peace being myself.

A while back while I was at Border’s, an album the store was promoting caught my attention.  Catchy lyrics.  Melodies that hook.  And a voice that was at once pleasing, yet not quite forgettable. 

The song in particular that stayed in my mind was New York to California.  The singer was a guy named Matt Kearney.  

I never buy CD’s these days, but I did that day.  It was a go-with-the-moment kind of feeling, and I felt the songs and the singer.  I listened to Matt on my drive to work, and I listened to him on my way to Safeway, and I played New York to California for Reuben when his boyfriend left to move to New York.

And, one night months ago, I went and saw Matt Kearny live in concert at the Fillmore.

Seeing Matt live on stage is a different experience than seeing a Kylie show or the Scissor Sisters.  Don’t get me wrong: I love them all.  The difference is that Matt has a pop sound, yet his performance is very reserved.  He’s a shy, skinny white boy.  Without much theatrics.  He doesn’t really work the crowd like a real popstar.

Instead, he performed with an earnestness.  He’s singing songs he wrote.  He fed energy off his bandmates.    

All of which got me thinking: is he just “selling” his songs – a la Britney Spears – or does he really believe in his lyrics? 

When Matt sings

cause I might have been wrong

 I might have been scared

All alone

I might have standing on the TOP

Of the world

What  a difference a day makes

I turned and watched you walk away

Cause I might have been wrong.

I am suspicious.  Precisely because I am moved. 

Is it just cheap sentiments he’s “selling”?  Did he write this because he experienced this for himself?  Or did he write to fool gullibles like me? 

Speaking of his fans, there were A LOT of girls there that night.  It figures: the sensitive straight male.  Drives all the girls crazy.  OMG Cassandra is just a girl like all the rest of the biological ones there! 

So.  Fucking.  Sentimental.

I have bad taste in music.  When I was younger I was a huge Bon Jovi fan.  Enough said.  I cringe when I hear them on the radio these days.  Was I really that pathetic that I fell for such cheap and contrived sentiments.  It’s Cheesiness Per Se!

And then I got into the Eagles.  I felt like their stuff really spoke to me.  I felt like I cast my stones with the wrong lot again when I read in an interview that they just wrote the songs because they wanted fame for sex and money for drugs. 

Is there anything accessible and entertaining that’s real any more?

I was fascinated by Matt on stage.  His songs. His delivery.  It’s all love songs.  Love songs of hope and loss and sweet nothings.  And I kept wondering if he really believed it or was just selling it.

I have a hard time believing anyone really believes what they’re selling when they’re selling love.  And I adore love songs.  There were moments I got all teary eyed at the concert.

But, you don’t even have to go very deep within me to find me questioning his motivation.  Always, at the back of my mind, I think of the word “pander.”  He’s selling emotional intimacy in a song.  That’s why SO MANY girls showed up at his concert.  Including Cassandra.  He’s pandering to our emotional needs.

Pandering… I wonder where that word came from, and why it was the first thing that popped into my mind.

I looked it up in the dictionary, and to pander is to furnish clients for a prostitute; or to supply persons for illicit sexual intercourse.

That about sums it up, don’t you think?

Tags: culture