Actually,
Some words come with instant pictures attached. Like the word shit, for instance. There’s a color to it. Let’s face it: the word just smells. It is a strong word that assaults all your senses, and it never adds up to a pretty picture. No matter the context.
Other words suggest the intangibles, like race and socioeconomic status. Think NASCAR. The word Fuck (another example) would never be elegant. Fuck can be hot and sweaty, and dirty and pleasurable. But boy, does it flaunt its lack of refinement with a huge middle finger raised to the world.
The word that has been on my mind lately is “actually.” Actually seems kind of flirty, does she not? You can almost picture her with one hand on her hips, arching her right eye ever so slightly as she smiles mischievously and says, “Actually, I am worth the chase.”
The definition of actually, an adverb, is “in fact; in reality.” By logic, the need to call attention to and clarify the reality at hand strongly suggests the presence of a preconceived falsehood. As in, “that demure petite secretary is actually a raging dominatrix in bed!”
Thus, it can also be used to express a sense of the unexpected, the wonderment at reality being different from the situation imagined. It is a word pregnant with possibilities, for the need to emphasize, “actually,…” commands the receiver to acknowledge that the reality of the situation is not what it seems.
Actually can give hope to what was once hopeless, and it can extinguish once lofty dreams with the words that follow.
Come to think of it, actually is kind of a bitch. Either way, you’re not going to get what you expected.
Couple this meaning, along with its usual companion in the sentence structure – the sensuous and curvaceous comma (,)
– and you realize actually is both a tease and an attention whore. The comma instructs you to pause. As a member of the Adverbs family, actually’s role in life is to add emphasis for effect.
Actually is like the pretty and seductive girl in high school; she has the face of an angel and a body for sin. The comma is her chubby girlfriend who follows her wherever she goes. Actually travels with her own posse.
Don’t believe me? Just say to yourself, “Actually,”: does your utterance not linger on a dramatic pause built into the DNA of the word? Does it not instill a sense of anticipation for what’s about to follow?
Sometimes actually is just used to express a sense of incredulity, a bewilderment surpassing your wildest expectations. As in, “That lying, no-good sack of shit actually thinks she’s fit to be President of the United States of America!”
In the movie, Love, Actually, the word is used to emphasize the overarching theme: that, in reality, it was all love. Even when you didn’t think it was love – that’s what it was. Love is all around us, the movie insists. It’s in the miscommunications, the wandering heart, the unfailing devotion of a good friend, the wife who discovers the affections of her husband for another woman. The movie suggests we go through life enveloped in love, actually.
Always. Somewhere. Someone is thinking of us.
Lately, the word actually has caused me endless grief. When Gym Boy turned me down for my sparerib dinner, he texted “I am actually headed to NY for about 8 days for a funeral.”
Do you see how the inclusion of the word gives me hope? If he had just said, “I am headed to NY…” I can then proceed with the burial of our potential romance. The same sentence without actually is curt and finite. But its inclusion – can’t it be a substitution for reluctantly, or unwillingly, or maybe he’s using the word to emphasize that it’s a funeral which requires his presence out of town?
Keep hope alive, Jesse Jackson said in defense of affirmative action. But hope is such a cruel gift! It is torture!
In fact, I’ve already dug the hole for the casket in the cemetery that is my heart. I am impatient to lower it into the ground and toss that first fist of dirt.
But the word actually has thrown everything into disarray. The casket is suspended in mid-air. This often used 8 letter word gives hope against my better instincts for self-preservation. Why would he take the extra second to insert the word actually?
Does it not contain an implicit binary opposition: that, but for the funeral and the required travel out of state, he would have come?
Other possibilities:
I am actually imagining all these possibilities when there’s nothing there.
Actually, this is driving me crazy.
I actually can’t let this go…
Tags: culture
Cass,
You just made “actually” my new favorite word, right up there with “maleficence”. You’re right, there are so many shades to it. When I feel down, I’ll say to myself, “Actually, your life is gorgeous.” And you know what? It actually is. Thank you my dear.
-Ruby
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You’re most welcome, Ruby.
Hi Cass,
What makes you such a good TOP and writer is your extraordinary wit and sensitivity. As you fondled the nuances of the meaning of “actually,” I realized that you drew me into a shared moment of intospection (well done!).
What this introspection revealed for me is that most times the object of our affection is actually the image of our pent up desire for love, intimacy and companionship. I guess that it’s like what behaviorists call “imprinting.” Whenever a chick hatches it becomes attached to (loves?) whichever animal is closest to it at that time.
I think Gym Boy is the guy that best fits the image of your desire de jour. It’s not a counterfeit desire, so carpe diem. He may have been too distraught about this trip, when you first texted him, to be engaged in the conversation then. After some time passed he realized how he must have sounded to you.
Maybe you should give him another chance, but whatever you decide; don’t bury your heart. If you must; store your heart carefully away for the next “Gym Boy.”
xoxo,
B
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Brian. THANK YOU. you make me feel like my attempts at writing are worthwhile. at the end of the day, it’s all that matters. Cassandra
Perhaps speaking from experience, but when I use actually is often an admission of guilt to myself; for example, instead of saying I’m heading to NY and cannot see you and really don’t want to see you, I’d say instead I’m actually heading to NY and am too chickenshit to tell you the truth about our relations. Why? That’s the question. Why insert “actually?” Why emphasize something by saying “in fact” or “in reality”? There’s a duality going on here that is perhaps false. If, in fact (haha), something “real” needed to be reinforced to make it believable then it suggests that what came before was not “real” to begin with. What’s interesting is what is not being said, rather what is said by the inclusion of “actually.”
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Oh, Cathi, thanks a lot. What a debbie downer. I may have to go slit my wrist now. So you’re saying I imagined this whole thing… commit me to a lunatic asylum. But what is love but an infatuation that resists rationality? Thanks for writing… Cass