Yesterday was my long awaited photo shoot.  I woke up three times in the night, full of nervous anticipation.  I even dreamt that Rene, my makeup artist, asked me specifically to bring blue eyeshadow to the shoot.  Blue eyeshadow, blue eyeshadow, blue eyeshadow, I kept repeating to myself as I tossed and turned.  Now, Rene is a professional makeup artist who travels the country doing makeup.  Why in the world, with his infinitie collection of eyeshadow colors, would he be needing me to bring blue?  And what the fuck am I doing dreaming that I need BLUE eyeshadow?  Living out some 70′s trailer park fantasy?

But you get the point: I was a nervous wreck.

In contrast to my usual practice, I was actually quite prepared for the shoot.  But the universe had its own plans, and a calm, serene day of me striking Vogue poses was simply out of my control.

When I got to Rene’s house for my make-up session, he was still asleep.  In fact, he had just gone to sleep a mere three and a half hours before.  He was up til 4:30 in the morning watching Chinese soap operas.  Of course I wanted to scream But you KNEW you were doing my makeup today!  But you can’t complain like that when he’s doing the session as a favor (read: free).  One day I will be rich and famous.  I will yell and scream and throw cell phones at my hired help.  But until then I have to behave like Oprah.  

Rene did my makeup half asleep.  He was very very slow.  We were running an hour behind schedule.  I started to rush him.  This resulted in slightly uneven lips and one eye that, to me, was more pronounced than the other.  To be fair to Rene the overall makeup was fabulous.  But it’s always the slight, miniscule imperfections that draws people’s attention.  When I pointed this out to Rene and asked him to fix it he said this is what happens when you RUSH me!   Then he started to tear up.  He was on the verge of crying.  I’m sure he was thinking YOU FUCKING CHEAP ASS BITCH WHO’S NOT EVEN PAYING ME AND WAKE ME UP AT AN UNGODLY HOUR AND THEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO COMPLAIN FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!

Long story short: we correct my perceived imperfections.  Rene had also earlier agreed to accompany me to the shoot to do my hair.  You have to give the guy props: even though I almost made him cry he still followed through with his word.  Rene is a classy guy, period.

We get in our separate cars, headed to my apartment to pick up Reuben and my wardrobe.  Once inside my apartment I get a text message from Rene: on the way over he stopped for gas and accidentally put diesel instead of regular gasoline in his car and now his car won’t start.

I kid you not.  He wasn’t lying to me.  I want to say something here about makeup artists and hairdressers and how do you put DIESEL instead of gasoline in your car and how do you all of a sudden decide to make the swtich on THIS very important day of my photo shoot?!?  But I won’t.  I will need the services of hairdressers and makeup artists for sure down the road.  So let me just say it’s a mistake we all make.  Really. 

I ended up driving to where he was waiting for his car to be towed to the mechanic so he could do my hair right there.  When I get back to the apartment Reuben greets me by saying, I can only help out with the photo shoot for an hour or two.  He had promised me the whole day.

And I just lost it. 

I started screaming at Reuben:  Fuck all you motherfuckers!  I will do this on my own!  I don’t need anyone and I hope you go fuck yourself!!!

And Reuben says, Cassandra, that is some major U G L Y attitude you have there.  And that’s going to show in your photos:  you UGLY! 

We finally make it to the photo shoot.  Before even the first shot is taken I am exhausted.  Spent.  We start three hours behind schedule.  I had made my friend Rene cry.  Then I indirectly fucked up his car.  Then I had a screaming fight with Reuben.  I couldn’t feel sexy to save my life. 

I told myself, over and over, that the unexpected setbacks are the essence of life.   How we react to them is what separates the winners from the rest.  I pull through the shoot.  We’ll see how the pictures come out.

 Print This Post

Tags: life