I’m supposed to post a new Erotic Services ad on Craig’s List today.  I say “supposed to” because it’s been over two weeks since I last posted an ad.  Ever since I took the thinking-outside-the-box approach to prostitution and started writing these lurid, tawdry, and deliciously demented ads, my responses have skyrocketed.  But then a funny thing happened: just the mere thought of having sex with all these men tires me out.  Rent was due yesterday.  I know I’m supposed to work.  I know I need to work.  But I’m just not horny enough TO work. 

Guess how many dates I’ve had this week.  Five?  A dozen? 

I scheduled just ONE date!!!  I wasn’t even going to do that date, but he’s been such a prolific regular that I couldn’t turn him down.  Especially since it was his birthday.  And, wait, this is the best part:  I did it for FREE!  That’s right: he texted me to say it was his birthday, and that he wants to “celebrate” it with me, but he’s been having cash flow problems.  Could I give him a birthday present? 

I know there’s at least one other guy (hey you, mister luveroftv) who may read this and think, hey, Cassandra, you fucking bitch, I asked you for a freebie on my birthday too and never heard back.   So the rule regarding birthday presents moving forward is that you have to have spent at least a grand to qualify.   Cassandra’s frequent flier miles have no expiration date, and as long as you accumulate over a thousand points you qualify for a free birthday dinner.  You’ll have to bring photo identification verifying date of birth.  And I will fuck your brains out.  Like I always do.

The bottom line is this:  I don’t schedule dates when I’m not horny.  It’s only fair that you get the freaky sex I describe in my ads when you come see me.  My only problem is that I haven’t been feeling very horny lately.  And definitely not feeling horny for sex with strangers.  As you might imagine, I am very concerned.  A prostitute not up for sex with strangers is a career in jeopardy.

Let me know if you can recommend a good pimp.

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Tags: life